The queer world of a straight man, Chapter 1, verse 13L: I and my father are one. When a kid, and I was a kid who knew little about Orpheus, that is, when a young man pleasures himself with a pharmaceutical obsession, when the reserves are heavily taxed and the pleasure is beyond the principle by roughly the distance to the moon, the queer world of doubt begins to take the form of principle and the action of possibility...the demon thoughts of oral copulation, of paternal penetration, the all natural slowdown of the hormonal desire super computer so that the neophyte young tennis star inside me began the all beginning questioning, the begin of cock-sure doubt, “my god I am a homosexual” rumination that would last approximately 16 years through rather strange and black hangovers and it was during the hangover that the thoughts between orgasms were filled with grandiose dongs and cheap trick fantasies...
But it was because I couldn’t achieve, instead, the hard on at the sight or smell of the vagina that I turned my attention to the huge wave of false thoughts concerning my ‘orientation’, that overused and smack up concept which is so current and delusional...because I couldn’t keep up the homerian odyssian erotic sense of reality...that I discovered the 1st law of nature, that everything changed and will always change... “what a swoon my mind took the heart upon” So the blue-collar god within chose to suffer...I chose to suffer and berate and chastise what wasn’t even mine for chrissakes! This body, this mind...this illegal camping here on earth with the orange flowers coming out that I could sit here in the mouth of the garage and write about faggotry because I thought I was flesh, because one more hit of the visions and I can write like this for hours...none of us is faggots.
I don’t believe anything hard and fast...But what ended the confusion? How am I now resting comfortably in the surety of the moment that there is no question, no answer, no questioner, no ‘me’ and therefore, where demons come from, is mind only and what is that? “If you want to sell the dream, you gotta live it” What simply freed me from my fear?
Lama Lodru. After the ex-wife had helped my tailspin alterations and deconstruction of my former married and truncated self, I had gone to him for advice, to leave her, stay, what? I needed to know...tho’ he said stay with her, a good woman, I had to ask my other dragon cloud question, which was really at the heart of the fear that I had failed her sexually or that I was faggot, I needed to ask this question and am amazed till that I had the nerve-fibre to do it...but I screwed up the nerve and let me tell you, when he answered the room stopped, a wristwatch blew up, the books on the shelves became instant classics...he strobed such luminosity in reply that I was taken and forever elaborately disciplined in this regard: “Those thoughts are very dangerous” is what he said. “Homoerotic thoughts are very dangerous and one should not indulge them...like an extreme form of sexual desire...leading to more confusion and further harmful karma”. He gave me an economy of force equal to the ten commandments in horsepower and on par with traffic deaths in clarity...it was anesthesia and a freedom from fear I had never felt...notes from the mysterious East and the rest of the world getting some lumps but here was a direct transmission from an enlightened one and I was lucky to have it...
-Michael Price
