I’m inclined to ask if you are suffering? Is your soul wounded by sharp objects? Have you not found love? a soulmate? Well, I have something that understands. I have a friend for you right now...a friend named my balls. My balls will be there for you and my balls do not judge...they just love. Can you imagine being loved by a pair such as these? Not one for your left side but two for your both sides...This is a joy you can enjoy today, simply by inviting my balls into your heart and upon various other parts of yourself...you’ve probably heard of my balls though probably you haven’t thought seriously about what they could do for you...you probably surmised, “I’m ok, I’m still young. I have plenty of time to meet and establish rapport with Michael’s Big Flesh balls.” Ah, but there’s your mistake, as none of us knows just when the reaper will come calling and for all you know it could be the day before you’ve finally planned to rendeaveaux with my balls...there are countless victims of the balless life on earth...with my help you won’t be one of them...My balls embrace affirmative action...they indulge rich, poor, yellow, black, white, red or brown...no one is turned away from my balls. And do you know that my balls have never turned the other cheek? and not merely because they have no cheeks, for even if they had cheeks (they’re close to some dirty cheeks) my balls would never turn one on you...and say like “talk to the hand”...My balls have had their detractors as well. There are people who loathe my balls, they persecute them, like the Heretics, they mock them, beat them, and pound nails through them. But, alas my balls are still here...they are one with the everpresent space...Behold, for my balls have risen (especially if I happen to be teabaggin) and they will rise again and again...so for those of you who have fallen from grace, let my balls sag with you in the right direction...children, women, suffer them to come unto my balls and I invite you, every one of you as well to accept my balls into your life...
Sadly, I must have shown my balls at least three times not to fortify my delicate self but to completely shatter it...
-Michael Price
